Warning: Sappy Girliness

New upsetting things are in the air. Virginia is off the books for now, Doug has refused to leave and is playing the "you can't leave state with my kid" card. Which is a really good card and I'm pissed that he's using it.
I know he loves his baby and all, and that he wants me to stay because he wants to "work things out", but I know quite a bit of it has to do with Graham and wanting to keep me away from him, and that's the part that pisses me off.
Doug's applied to this place that has factories? stores? whatevers downstate, and that means I'll be staying with him while I'm paying bills and saving monies and getting things legalized, and I WILL be leaving. There is no doubt in my mind about that.

I am so horribly upset about not seeing Graham like I wanted to. There apparently exists a small chance he'll move up to be with his Mom in Chicago, and then I could see him pretty often. It'd be about the same drive as if I moved to live with Aunt Alice, and I could spend all winter teasing him awfully and Heather and Nic could meet him, and Andy too, and Christmas Mike, and then they can stop asking me freaking questions...

Anyway. Back on topic. Due to several interesting circumstances, I no longer feel even remotely welcome in this house and have removed all my things and put them in the camper. The camper is teeny-tiny, I mean TINY, but it's where I live now. I have to get all of my things out of the garage and either get rid of them or put them in the other camper, as I don't want any sort of reliance on anybody else around here. Doug won't even let me take Odin to see his sister Diane, which I think is supreme bullshit and I want to hit him for almost. It's a really complicated situation and as usual I see it from too many sides and am getting shit from everybody about things, and I'm so tired of it.

Point is that I won't be able to be online nearly as much as I am now... Which is waaaay less than I was previously anyway. I'm gonna try to get on at least once or twice a week, but other than that won't be doing too much. Hopefully the knitting goes okay too, as I will have no monies, NO MONIES for yarn and am working solely out of my stash from now until I move away from Doug.
Okay, I'll probably stash money for yarn. I know I will.
I printed off everything important on my "to knit" list [ie. everything I've promised somebody/have the yarn for] and am gonna be knitting for Heather and Graham and Odin and Myself and that's really it. I owe Doug a pair of socks, but he can have them for his Yule gift.
Gods, I'm so upset still.

Seriously, can I really expect Graham to still be interested in me once this all finally smooths out? How long is that going to take? Neither he nor I were ever interested in any sort of long distance relationship, and then we found ourselves fucked up in some weird internet thing, and now that I was finally going to get to see him flesh-wise everything is fucked up.
And he was so sweet about everything it fucking broke my heart. Full of calmness and how it'll be okay in the end and I was sitting here just sobbing, half from all the stress and half from how damn nice he was being to me.
I don't know very many nice guys who are Nice Guys For Real, only Nic and Andy, and they don't count really because Nic is my best friend's boyfriend and Andy's my Other Best Friend. And he's gay. So... Hrm.

I really just want to go have some angry, angry sex and feel better, but I'm not attracted to anybody enough to want to touch them, except Graham, and he's so far away it doesn't really work out so well. So I'm just sitting here listening to his MySpace music and trying to feel better.
I'm done. I'm so motherfucking done. I miss Graham, I want to be near him and out of this state and this horrible mess I'm in with Doug, and I want to forget all this drama and all this bullshit and just MOVE ON.