I've spent forever watching movies where some woman has some sort of really life-changing interesting, introspective, crazy thing happen, something out of character that winds up being totally wonderful. That's kind of how things are becoming.
It's come a lot through exploring sexuality through various means, with a lot of introspective conversation about the past and the present with someone who is a complete stranger. There's nothing that isn't entirely open conversationally, from the onset of female sexuality to its progression, forces that formed it, and methods it finds its way out. I've always been a fairly sexual person, but discussing its finer points has always been another matter, pretty much until now.
It's really interesting, being so completely open with things like what is visually attractive enough to be something I'd think about while alone, discussing the sexuality of the pregnant woman, the pleasures of riding a bike while young, finding the words to accurately describe an orgasm, or what it's like to pick flesh out of my fingernails with my teeth after sex, or the pleasure of biting a throat and feeling the muscles tense under my teeth, or my lust for blood, the joy of seeing beads of blood spring up, ready to be licked from the flesh they've been born of...
There's an adorably funny girl I've been flirting with on interwebs for the past few days. I met her when she sent me a message asking me if I could tell her where her favorite cartoon quote came from.
"i'm not drunk! you the drunk one."
then, from the same character:
"that is for me and god to decide!"
So, how can I possibly respond to that?
That is totally Master Shake and Meatwad, whilst Meatwad is trapped inside Nathan the Bunny Rabbit.
Ha, right before Frylock fries them all, gets covered in snake goo, and lives out his dream of hanging with the wrong crowd...
"No I didn't!"
"Yes, you did"
"No. I didn't."
"Yeeessssssss yooooouuuu diiiiiiiddddd"
So now I have a new friend, and that makes me happy.
I've also been exploring physical sexuality lately, trying out new things and new situations, entering the kinkier side of sex as opposed to the passionate realm I usually live in. It's something entirely new, standing quite still, head weighed down with apparati [basic things, you know, collar, blindfold, gag], holding my hair back with my hands on my head because that's where I've been told to keep them. Placed in strange-to-me positions, taken to various stages of undress, photos being taken, amazing feats of rope-work, face-fucking and vibrators and asphyxiation, and this is only in the introductory night. Things are really only going to get more intense. I've heard some iteresting things he's cooked up in the past and I am nothing but intrigued.
It's not really as coarse and unemotional as it seems; There was substantial untying and snuggles and kisses time afterward, and then pizza and smoking and cartoons and berries and candy. We even had grownup drinks, which I'm not used to at all. And I don't mean that like I can't take drinking bourbon with ice, only that I don't often find myself in situations where I'm served straight liquor in anything but a shot glass.
Seriously great night. It may sound weird to some people, but it's really nice to be treated like a possession, to know that someone actually wants you enough to own you. I like being told what to do, and I like having someone take the initiative to do whatever he wants to me without asking what's okay, and still being treated like some cute cuddly creature afterward.
It's been a really interesting time for me. I feel much more mentally open, much more okay with being who and what I am. Sharing your innermost lifelong thoughts is a pretty intense thing, and even the things we haven't talked about yet I'm sure we'll get to eventually. It's nice. I feel totally different than I when I came down here. I look out the window and I see the same old river, the same old bushes, the same old falcon, but I see them in a different way now. They are the same and yet they look totally different.
I've learned that being a physically open creature is very different than being a sexually open creature. Sexual openness isn't about testing things and being willing to "try anything once" or any other such catchphrase, but about being comfortable in who and what you are sexually, what turns you on, what you like to do to yourself and to others, and how you live sexually.
That wrinkled-nose "that's gross" standpoint of so many people was something that nagged at the back of my mind as though it was begging me to pay attention to it, angry at my refusal, and now it's gone entirely. It's learned that it just doesn't belong here. I like it better like that.
Things are going well here. I'm having a great time in the South. Here's some porn for you guys.
