five, five.

I have finished Story of O. The ending was. Disappointing. For reasons best left unspoken, in case anyone reads this before reading it, for then it will be ruined.
What is most interesting to me is that as O progressively becomes more the slave, the possession, she finds more of herself and her finer qualities within that; She is pleased by being seen as useful for the fulfilment of desire, is both terrified and enticed by the torture she is repeatedly forced to endure, by the bonds she is forced to wear with permanence. As the story develops, O becomes an open-minded and strong woman, yet she is still timid and fragile. The book was really moving.
I found most interesting slight correlations to this story and to my own life, especially considering the things that happened with me that made these connections logical happened prior to my even knowing this book existed.
For instance.
I have been owned by Nic for six years, and even when we were together and he had any sort of power he could have wished to wield, he did not. After making a "deal" of sorts with Nick, in that anything I am uncomfortable with sexually I am allowed to refuse--however, it brings an immediate end to our sexual relationship [and to any other relationship except pure friendship, obviously], temporary ownership was transferred to him. So, until the new year, when it must be renewed if desired, Nick is my new owner, possessing both my body and with the freedom to not worry about whether or not I am interested in doing what he wants me to.
Of course, I am more than willing to do as he asks, but I like that he gets gratification from the knowledge that I am unable to refuse. For while I am able, it brings with it a consequence I have absolutely no desire for.

I do worry about becoming attached to Nick. I can't imagine what would happen psychologically to me if that occured, because. Because I've decided that I don't want to be attached to anyone, but in a way, I do want to be attached to him.
I warned him about it, he told me somesuch about how it sounded sort of nice, because it involved things like being baked and knitted for and being taken care of variously.
I don't think he really understands that it means I shall become a possessive object, no longer something only to be owned but something that has her own ideas of what it means to be owned and how she should be emotionally reassured of such ownership, of the owner's desire and, if applicable, love, of how much she is wanted.
These are things I'm not sure he would want to deal with...
Awhile ago he said he wanted one girl to bond with and several to fuck, and I told him he should get to finding that. He told me he felt that I could be a good bonding-with girl, but I know he has issues with me being a Mom.
Knowing that the fact that I have a child bothers him even in the slightest, that he had EVER been bothered by it upsets me very much, more than any amount of objectification ever could, more than anything ever, except for when it was an issue to Nic. But I was very in love with Nic, and when Nick was initially irked by Odin I was drunk and sassy. And I hadn't even met him.

Since writing that Nick has gotten online and I have lost entirely my train of thought. Which is too bad. I had a lot more to say.

I shall be spending the entire weekend with Nick, and as soon as he decides what we're going to do he's going to tell me how to pack. He's been talking to a girl called Nicole, who I have not been allowed to talk to yet, about hanging out with us this weekend.
I can't describe how much I like being referred to as an "us".
I'm going to go do things now. Other things than this.