as long as you like.

I've been breaking down into tears randomly all day.
This is only going to get worse as the Countdown to Odin's Departure continues.
I've been trying to keep busy. Busy-ish.
Today I made out Odin's Birthday Invitations, yay. We're having a picnic-cookout sort of deal. Jon's going to cook stuff which means I don't have to :)

I've got a stupid food stamps renewal appointment tomorrow, which is sort of silly. My aid expires at the end of the month, and at the end of the month Odin leaves. But there's always a chance they'll give me some for just me, so I guess that's a good thing. Also keeping on the books is good because it's so hard to get appointments around here.
Which reminds me to tell daycare tomorrow that Odin's last day is coming. :(
Arg, I can't do this right now. I had so much to say earlier.
Maybe if I go put in some laundry things will get better.


Aaaaargh. I'm going to go do some yoga and knit.
Ha! That stupid cat has been shredding my yoga mat. The mothefucker!

If I was reincarnated as a dog

It is approximately one thousand degrees outside.
I am being motherfucking lazy and not doing my yoga. I am, however, knitting. That tie that I was making for Graham.
Which I am not making for Graham any longer.
Which I am making for... Who knows.
I think I'm going to try to get a swap together on Ravelry, maybe in the Goth Knitters group. A random sort of affair.
I don't know.
I need to get some knitting accomplished, for I feel a great need to actually produce a finished object. It's been ages. AGES. And I'd like to have Doug's socks actually completed.
I need to get some writing accomplished.
While Odin is gone I have three goals:
1. Get my license in order.
2. Produce at least one FO a week.
3. Produce, in addition to whatever I write for class, at least one story or three poems of quality a week.

So there.
That's all I have to say really. I want to knit some more of this tie [one foot left to knit, give or take, and then only the end to block [it was way too short the first time I thought it was finished lol], and the whole shebang to line. I have a lot of frogging to do too. Yay! I love to frog.
Such a sense of total annihilation.

Anyway. It's hard to knit and type coherent thought and text with the boyfriend and also follow hilarious MySpace writer's group threads.
Byeeeee.

it's late, and there's school tomorrow.

I have a problem.
With lip gloss.
At CVS today like half the makeup was %50 off or more. I got a couple of things for a dollar [SIX DOLLARS OFF APIECE omgggmgmg.g], I got some more stuff, and I got some lip gloss.
Now, this is why I have a problem::
All but a few shades of it were half off. But not the shade that I wanted, the perfect shade of pink. So I spent as much on that lip gloss as I spent on an eyebrow pencil/tweezer/brush combo thing, an eyeliner, concealer, and a mascara. And some Q-tips. And superglue. And nail polish [white]. Arg, I desire more nail polish. Blaaaaack, acid-yellow. And bright Whore Red.
Omggg.
I'm thinking of pulling off some rhinestoned fake eyelashes at work one of these days. Wheeeee. You know the day I wear 'em I'd be stuck in the kitchen though, and they'd get a-covered in grease, yuck.

In other news, Odin leaves soon. By "soon" I mean in 25 days. Which is ridiculously soon. I'm trying my best to be as positive as possible about things. Jon is being the biggest support ever.
We have some loose plans, I'll have time to really be *with* him, etc. Things I'd love to be able to do now will magically become options...
Lying in bed late in the morning, snuggling and fighting over the covers and fending off the cat,
Going places to hang out other than my living room or the park,
Being able to go out to the bar if I/we feel like it,
Getting to really work on my art. Having real time to write, to cast, to knit, to devote an entire morning to yoga.
All sorts of stuff really.
You get the point.

And yet I'm so ripped apart. I keep falling apart, sobbing, screaming. I feel like someone is choking me. I think my heart has been ripped out of my chest and replaced with a new, spiny one. One that rips at my insides.

Arg, that's enough. Fuck being sad.
I'm sick of being sad.
It's hard though.
But at least I'm not alone.

always cold.

i've been gone awhile now. the computer bit the big one when i moved into this here apartment [i think i blogged something about it around when it happened], and then it got fixed,and then i broke it again, and now it is half fixed.
so that's nice.

here's a summary:: josh and nick were fuckers and i don't date them anymore. i've been through other boys as well, including anwar, john, a different john, monty, james, and davis. now i'm dating jon, and he's a nice boy, which is kinda new for me. so that's nice. actually, he's going to be here in like an hour, because i demand kisses... even though i look horrific right now.

i got a pair of ferrets and a rat, and then the ferrets eventually died and i got a kitten. and i'll likely get a cat from nida soon, and maybe from two-dollar-tip guy.

i've got all my next tattoos planned out:: creepy, drawn-on-acid eyeballs on my collarbones, a bee in my ear and one on my neck behind said ear, a star on one wrist pulse-point and a crescent moon on the other, the chaos symbol on my sternum, and ansuz on my ankle. and nida and i are getting alice in wonderland tattoos for her 18th birthday. yay.

this is all i feel like writing right now.
i have nothing cohesive in my brain; the humidity has made me feel loggy and half-headachy, and i want to at least wash my face before my boyfriend gets here lol. maybe put on a t-shirt that isn't forty sizes too big for me? you know, the usual.

Here's My Number

Today I found an apartment. Tomorrow I'll be going to give the lady some money and then I will be moving. Maybe as soon as tomorrow. Maybe the day after.
Also, I have fallen away from most of my Interwebs boys, for I met one that I absolutely adore.
Josh.
And between Josh and Nick, I am full of boys. I have one master and one pet and I am quite satisfied with the knowledge that the silly cutesy adorable feelings I have related to Josh are reciprocated and the basic master/slave bond Nick and I have has made us fairly attached to each other, and I feel complete and whole. I do think that I like.
Ok, shut up brain.
I KNOW that I like Josh a lot more than I like Nick. I like Josh enough to consider the idea of being completely attached to him and to see other people *with* him, as opposed to like, us both seeing people the way Nick and I do. Josh makes me want to spend all my time with him and to snuggle constantly, and he wriggles about and jumps around in cute ways and he's just. He's just. Oh, psssssh, I have not gotten this silly and happy about a boy in YEARS.

More later.
I must paint.

READING LIST OMGOMGOMG

Stranger in a Strange Land-- Robert Heinlein
Aldous Huxley, complete works [minus Brave New World]
Asimov, see above.
AntiCraft! and Domiknitrix, just to see what all the fuss is about

Note to self: Print a principia discordia, color with crayons in pretty colors. And some uglllly ones too. kk?

Oh, Yes.

I don't think Anwar shall last too long. I did meet a great boy online who is incredibly awesome despite not meeting my height requirement. He's amusing. He has great taste in movies. He's in a band.
I also met another one, a Nihilistic Viking that tweaks my cynicism button nicely.
I do so love boys.
Nick met a girl named Kate, and had her over last night while we were hanging out. I'm not so sure I think Nick is good at this multi-partner thing like I originally thought. I've been in many of these situations before but last night was ridiculous and horrible and ostracizing and it was generally uncool. Plus, I don't really find myself terribly sexually attracted to Kate, AND she tasted weird.
Like, bad. Sour. Like milk-sour, not lemon-sour. Gross. In theory, this could be changed, but we'll see. I'm not really into her, but. Meh.
I really do like Keith, the one from Baltimore who is in the band. The one who is too short. I also kind of like the Viking one. It seems like he and I could have a really fucking wild-ass time. Drinking like crazy, edgeplay... Omg.
Anyway.
I'm going to work on my legwarmers now, because I need them by Friday in theory and I was lazy all weekend. I hope I have time to finish them...

Real Virginia

I have to get rid of John. He's crazy possessive. I've known him less than a week and he seems to think I'm going to move in with him. He's been telling people I'm his girlfriend.
Seriously, what the fuck?
Plus his roommates that I thought were so awesome are so freaking crazy. Seriously. They are going to wind up killing each other over there.
Anyway. That's going to be awful, doing that. I don't want to hurt him; He's been hurt a whole damn lot in his life by women, which is why he's so freaking clingy and stuff, but seriously. I warned him. And I have been nothing but honest, and so I shouldn't feel bad. I just shouldn't.

Anyway, on a happier note, today the Executive Pastry Chef [Anwar] asked me for my number, after bringing me a still hot-from-the-oven macaroon. It was SO GOOD. This has clearly been a long time coming, and finally he worked up the nerve to ask me, so that's excellent. Trina-Trina thinks it's horribly cute, mostly because she can tease me and also because she can snag baked goodies out of the deal too. Trina-Trina is my favorite manager at the Hell Court.
Well. I do adore JoshFace too.
But.
I got to chat with Nick tonight for the first time in awhile, and that was nice. He went out with some girl, Analise, who apparently goes by "Anal" [snigger] over the weekend, and though I haven't met her he and I are both sure I'm not going to like her, though because he owns me and because I do ache to please him I will deal with having to spend time with her when that comes. Nick and I are to hang out this weekend I believe, and hopefully that means without Anal [snigger]. It's too bad that that one girl has Lyme Disease and therefore can't really. You know. Fuck around. She was nice, she was pretty, she had good energy about her. She likes cartoons.
Ugh, ugh, ugh. That stupid girl I don't like. Oh well.

Anyway. I'm busy talking to yet another boy on interwebs tonight, and so... Here I go, off to do other stuff now... More boys!

brash.

Turns out John and Ashley aren't actually together anymore. John and I are sort of seeing each other, in some vague semblance of together, with a variety of interesting addendums. His friends are neat and I like all of them lots, he calls me baby already [which was commented on by one of his friends in that exact way as I sat in the other room], he has given me a necklace that has a fucking scorpion inside it [which is neat as hell]... Plus we've been both sleeping together and fucking.
And I just finished talking to Odin, and I am crying a lot, and John will be here soon for me, so I'm going to go and clean my tear tracks off my face.

a ball on the hill

It was a long hiatus from interwebs. I did many things.
I made an ugly shirt into one of the cutest things I own. I spent the entire weekend with Nick: eating in various diners, watching cartoons, hunting down stuff unsuccessfully at Anime Pavillion, successfully hunting down stuff at Blockbuster, not watching movies due to wine and champagne and later whiskey, spending half of each day in bed wavering through various states of sleepy-wakefulness, hiking around gorgeous Virginia hillside, discussing attractive females we noticed along the way and methods of generally violating them, and looking at pictures of deformed fetuses his roommate had taken at some museum.
It's been hard getting used to my fingernails being gone. Nick says I've been domesticated and that he likes it much better this way. So that is how it is to be now, until I grow new ones that I have learned not to use. I'd so much rather have nails I can't use than to have no nails at all. My hands don't look like they belong to me anymore.
Also, this boy has been calling me non-stop. Literally. Like eight times in the past three or four days. I met him through Ashley, a girl who worked the afternoon shift at Exxon, when they came in together for blunt wraps and other such stuff, and they were dating. And now, what with all these phone calls I'm not entirely sure that they're still dating. Although. I did go in there the other night, when I was out with Nick and she definitely eyed me up AND down [I had a tiny little-girl style empire-waistline cotton dress on that came down to juuuuust past my panties and of course flared everywhere, with adorably patterned fishnets and my big goth mary janes and a thick belt under my bust], and so he could be calling so THEY can hang out with me. Though he did NOT specify that on the phone today. Just "hang out" is what he said. And that's just fine. I know he's a smoker and I know he's cute enough for me to have flirted with him before I realized he was dating my co-worker. Yay for that. I'm going to call him tomorrow. There will be hanging out.
Now that I think about it, I have no idea how he got my number. There is the chance that I gave it to him when I met him [he showed me his plants and gave me a gift and told me he could help me out if I needed him to], and there is the chance that Ashley snagged it, but seriously. I wouldn't know what else to consider.
Oh well.
It was minorly annoying, though, the fact that he had been calling "early" on Saturday, when Nick and I were still in bed... But then again, Nick and I got out of bed sometime after two, two-thirty. And then I told him I would call him and he still called me several times both Sunday AND today. Until finally I answered.
What can I say, I find desperation minorly annoying but hella adorable. Makes me smirk.

I think I perplex Nick because I am submissive and yet simultaneously dominating. I dominate in mental ways, in social situations, with boys I view as playthings or with girls in general--not because I view them as playthings the way I do men but because I like to see them bend to my will. And, likewise, I enjoy bending to theirs. I think he's finally really noticed that I will do anything he says, but sometimes I question him or wrinkle my nose or gripe a bit, and though I essentially behave I have given the illusion of disobedience. I think he MAY have noticed that I like to dominate social situations by staring down whomever is speaking to him or by just taking control of them before he does. The latter applies only to situations involving women directly, like in restaurats or grocery stores. Situations in which I am usually checking out the girl obviously and he is in a more clandestine manner. I dominate conversationally as much as possible, and on more than one occasion I've found myself caught in a Scorpio stare-down.
I'm pretty sure Nick has never dealt with a submissive dominant before.
I do love to do what is asked or needed of me; It makes me happy to perform tasks I've been appointed or to have expectations placed upon me and I wouldn't trade the happiness I get from being submissive and being owned, but I still like to know that somewhere underneath I am orchestrating this dance just as much as the master.

That is enough for now.
I am done.

five, five.

I have finished Story of O. The ending was. Disappointing. For reasons best left unspoken, in case anyone reads this before reading it, for then it will be ruined.
What is most interesting to me is that as O progressively becomes more the slave, the possession, she finds more of herself and her finer qualities within that; She is pleased by being seen as useful for the fulfilment of desire, is both terrified and enticed by the torture she is repeatedly forced to endure, by the bonds she is forced to wear with permanence. As the story develops, O becomes an open-minded and strong woman, yet she is still timid and fragile. The book was really moving.
I found most interesting slight correlations to this story and to my own life, especially considering the things that happened with me that made these connections logical happened prior to my even knowing this book existed.
For instance.
I have been owned by Nic for six years, and even when we were together and he had any sort of power he could have wished to wield, he did not. After making a "deal" of sorts with Nick, in that anything I am uncomfortable with sexually I am allowed to refuse--however, it brings an immediate end to our sexual relationship [and to any other relationship except pure friendship, obviously], temporary ownership was transferred to him. So, until the new year, when it must be renewed if desired, Nick is my new owner, possessing both my body and with the freedom to not worry about whether or not I am interested in doing what he wants me to.
Of course, I am more than willing to do as he asks, but I like that he gets gratification from the knowledge that I am unable to refuse. For while I am able, it brings with it a consequence I have absolutely no desire for.

I do worry about becoming attached to Nick. I can't imagine what would happen psychologically to me if that occured, because. Because I've decided that I don't want to be attached to anyone, but in a way, I do want to be attached to him.
I warned him about it, he told me somesuch about how it sounded sort of nice, because it involved things like being baked and knitted for and being taken care of variously.
I don't think he really understands that it means I shall become a possessive object, no longer something only to be owned but something that has her own ideas of what it means to be owned and how she should be emotionally reassured of such ownership, of the owner's desire and, if applicable, love, of how much she is wanted.
These are things I'm not sure he would want to deal with...
Awhile ago he said he wanted one girl to bond with and several to fuck, and I told him he should get to finding that. He told me he felt that I could be a good bonding-with girl, but I know he has issues with me being a Mom.
Knowing that the fact that I have a child bothers him even in the slightest, that he had EVER been bothered by it upsets me very much, more than any amount of objectification ever could, more than anything ever, except for when it was an issue to Nic. But I was very in love with Nic, and when Nick was initially irked by Odin I was drunk and sassy. And I hadn't even met him.

Since writing that Nick has gotten online and I have lost entirely my train of thought. Which is too bad. I had a lot more to say.

I shall be spending the entire weekend with Nick, and as soon as he decides what we're going to do he's going to tell me how to pack. He's been talking to a girl called Nicole, who I have not been allowed to talk to yet, about hanging out with us this weekend.
I can't describe how much I like being referred to as an "us".
I'm going to go do things now. Other things than this.

My List.

Of things I want to be when I grow up.

1. Vampire
2. Rapunzel
3. Other Princess of Fairy-Tale Origins
4. A False Idol
5. Martha Stewart, only prettier
6. Trapeeze Artist
7. Mysterious Hermit-Type Atop a Mountain
8. Barbie's brunette friend Teresa
9. LORD OF ALL HUMANS
10. Nothing Special, but having survived the Zombie Event.
11. Medusa
12. A Trophy Wife
13. The Hot Mom
14. Longhaired Hippie
15. Sorceress and/or Necromancer
16. The Ultimate Evil
17. Sane

Foodcourtia

Today was bad news-good news day.
Bad News: Doug's not moving down here; Odin will likely have to stay in MI longer than planned.
Good News: I got to work in both the Creamery and Commissary today.
Bad News: I had to peel and subsequently slice 150 lbs. of onions.
Good News: Anwar, the Executive Pastry Chef, made me special cookies--Just for meeeee! They were like cookies and brownies in one.
Bad News: I ruined my pastel drawing by trying to do the river and reflection of the trees.
Good News: I got a piece of Korean plum candy as a tip; I was also told I was a "ray of sunshine" and also by several people how cheery and happy I was. My manager told me she loved me. Yay <3
Bad News: Graham is going to have to have surgery and is in bad condition.
Good News: I finally know what happened to him; He fell from somewhere high up and smashed the fuck out of his arm. No more wondering.
Bad News: I haven't done yoga in a long time, also quitting smoking is no fun.
Good News: Nick and I are looking for other girls to mess around with. So that's nice. I get to approve them as I'm a necessary element to the process of attaining another girl. To keep him from looking like a creep and stuff. Or to just get them myself.
Good News: We all have to wear headsets at work. I feel like a Technocrat. Or, as Daisy says, "Robot!" Then she *dances*. I LOVE Daisy.

I hope that turns out well; I have not had a good time with a woman in quite awhile. Nick said awhile ago that he wanted to do this, but he jumped on it with haste I had thought unimaginable. Doug used to make me do all the legwork for females, so this is pretty nice. Plus Nick has assumed temporary ownership of me from Nic [funny, that], and so while he asks my opinion and such he is not really so much asking as just seeing how I'm going to react beforehand. Also for quick accurate summations of personality and looks, because I'm good at that. I like being able to provide him with the means to make a decision for us.
I'm also very happy he's decided to use me in unision with other women. Yay for that.
And!
Nick has provided today's pr0n! Yay!

Broken Wings

I started an oil pastel drawing today. This is the first time I have ever tried to seriously portray something non-abstract.
I think it might actually look good, though I am reluctant to say that because as soon as I take pride in it I'm sure someone will come along and just rip me to shreds for being pleased at creating something that isn't as awesome as I'd thought. I'd much rather think it's awful and someday maybe someone will say something nice about it and then I can be happy in my brain. Anyway, it's not finished. It's a part of the mountain across the river, and the sun went down too soon for me to even consider starting the river-part of the drawing.
Also, my sleeves are nearly finished. I would like to have them done by tonight, for I only have seven inches of stockinette to complete [two extra inches than the pattern for my arms are looooo-o-ong] and then the shoulder cap, and then unravelling dropped stitches. Which makes me nervous, but the book seems to think I can handle it. We'll see what happens.
Story of O is progressing in mentally thwacking ways. It makes nothing but complete sense to me, O's realizations that not only is she a possession, an object, in a sense a slave, she is grateful to be treated as such because it gives her meaning. To receive punishments, to be whipped for no reason but her master's pleasure, to be "readily available", these things mean everything to her because they reaffirm who she is.
It's true that being objectified is pleasant. To be viewed in such a light as deemed worthy to make an object of says in itself that you are wanted, and you are wanted for a purpose. Being the object that meets the necessity of one you love, that's even better. I love my subservient qualities; I enjoy providing pleasure to others with little to no regard for my own. I can understand that some women find this shocking and pathetic, but I think the same of them and their pursuits. These are women who do not understand the difference between being the object of someone who views women as toys and uses them accordingly and of being the possession of someone who loves the woman he owns and is thankful that she gratefully and willingly acquiesces to his whims, thus showing her love in return.
But that's enough.
Mashed po-ta-toes time, and knitting. MUST FINISH SLEEVES. MUST BLOCK SLEEVES. Omg. It's almost done.

Worst Enemy

I went today to the Waterford Fair.
Waterford is a small village/town that is still as it was when it was founded--the late 1700s. All the houses are adorable... Even the scenery is pristine [no giant subdivisions of McMansions to view, only sprawling fields with corn or sheep or barns].
I made friends with knitters first and foremost. I met lovely Englishwoman, Sue Radford, who knits some lovely crazy things and also some classic Irish-styles [her father was Irish, and she told me she could see how Irish I was, and that made me very happy] and her booth-helper/fellow knitter who is my age [I think her name is Lauren]. She and I became friends superfast. I bought a hairstick/shawl pin from Sue, it is beautiful, made of wood from her peach tree with a big, openwork wooden bead on the top. They reaffirmed me on my socks-mission, and now I'm just not afraid of them at all. It makes a huge difference when you hear in person that yes, of course you can handle a short-row heel!! No problem! And if you don't like how it works, just try a new method for each pair of socks you make and you'll soon find something you love.
I helped a woman pick out a leather bracelet for her nephew's sixteenth-birthday gift.
I met some needlefelters and a weaver, who sold lovely skeins of yarn for ridiculous prices--even for a craft fair. Even for a prestigious craft fair. I also met a weaver who sold gorgeous yarns, angora, alpaca, camel, yak, but also too expensive.
I bought a skein of homespun Corriedale and silk in shades of olive. It is gorgeous and shall become these Dystopian Mitts.
Then I wandered around and saw loads of cheap, easily knitted novelty hats for kids [pumpkins, apples, etc] and booties and cheap fun-fur scarves priced from $25-$50!!! Seriously! Makes me realize that I should be knitting cheap, easily done things from time to time and selling them for ridiculous prices. But I'd rather knit a small number of really beautiful things than scam a dozen rolled-brim hat out of Lion Brand Homespun for thirty bucks apiece. I'm really not that capitalistic. Isn't art supposed to be about the joy of the creative process? I dunno when money became such a huge deal. Losers.
I also saw some gorgeous paintings that made me wish I had more aritistic talent. Some were lovely collage works... I cannot describe them.
Oh, and I had nachos. That was cool too.
So now I'm at home, stuffed full of shrimp and ice cream, and about half done knitting the sleeves of my straitjacket. Thankfully there are only about three and a half inches of the dreaded fifteen inches of ribbing... Kudos to me for deciding to knit both sleeves at once.
I am approximately half done with Story of O.
It is astounding and amazing and several other a-adjectives. It's mysterious and compelling, full of just what's happening *now* and occaisonal bits of conversation or thought. It jumps right in with O's delivery to Roissy, where she is "broken" sexually, taught to be a desirious object, shown that her only purpose is to be constantly available. Constantly, by any of the "masters" or "valets" as they choose to want her, and then after her release, from any who recognizes the ring on her finger and what it stands for.
It's an awesome book.
I'm off for reading and South Park.
Byeee.

Hold Still

Last night was good.
I spent a number of hours in a three-story Barnes and Noble. I came out with Brave New World and Story of O and some postcards. I wanted to buy the entire store, but managed to eek out with only the aforementioned.
I got picked up by Nick after his business dinner [he had, in fact, taken me to said bookstore, having picked me up from work], and we had a typical Skittles-whiskey-sex-cartoons kind of night. Pretty good lineup, though around Birdman we got pretty tired of the TV.
It was a different sort of sex experience [pretty standard stuff, sex-wise], not even remotely the sort we had before, and yet not lovey and mushy and romantic... Which is good. I get attached to men easily when things like that happen. You know. Lovey-sweet things. With Nick that is a real concern for me, because he's got these incredibly trapping eyes, and a very endearing spirit, and he gave me a very lovely tarot reading today. His cards are amazing...
Last weekend I tried very hard to feel his energy but was entirely unable to do so, no matter how hard I tried or where I tried to feel it from, and last night as well... But today, on the car ride home I held his hand and laid my other hand on his inner wrist and there it was. At the exact moment I felt him he asked me if I could feel it [for I had told him how I couldn't, and we both tried to figure out exactly why but just didn't know]. He was sky blue with swirls of grey, and physically warm as well.
I put back everything I took out of him, but I did not put any of myself into him. That is something I am entirely unprepared for. That would make me way too connected to him for what I'm ready to handle. I sent him something pink with joy, and closed him back up carefully, for it is not good to run around with your energy leaking all over the place.
But anyway. I am going to go and read a book right now.
Though I haven't decided which one.

Intro-OutroSpection

So, things have been interesting lately.

I've spent forever watching movies where some woman has some sort of really life-changing interesting, introspective, crazy thing happen, something out of character that winds up being totally wonderful. That's kind of how things are becoming.

It's come a lot through exploring sexuality through various means, with a lot of introspective conversation about the past and the present with someone who is a complete stranger. There's nothing that isn't entirely open conversationally, from the onset of female sexuality to its progression, forces that formed it, and methods it finds its way out. I've always been a fairly sexual person, but discussing its finer points has always been another matter, pretty much until now.
It's really interesting, being so completely open with things like what is visually attractive enough to be something I'd think about while alone, discussing the sexuality of the pregnant woman, the pleasures of riding a bike while young, finding the words to accurately describe an orgasm, or what it's like to pick flesh out of my fingernails with my teeth after sex, or the pleasure of biting a throat and feeling the muscles tense under my teeth, or my lust for blood, the joy of seeing beads of blood spring up, ready to be licked from the flesh they've been born of...

There's an adorably funny girl I've been flirting with on interwebs for the past few days. I met her when she sent me a message asking me if I could tell her where her favorite cartoon quote came from.
"i'm not drunk! you the drunk one."
then, from the same character:
"that is for me and god to decide!"
So, how can I possibly respond to that?
That is totally Master Shake and Meatwad, whilst Meatwad is trapped inside Nathan the Bunny Rabbit.
Ha, right before Frylock fries them all, gets covered in snake goo, and lives out his dream of hanging with the wrong crowd...
"No I didn't!"
"Yes, you did"
"No. I didn't."
"Yeeessssssss yooooouuuu diiiiiiiddddd"
So now I have a new friend, and that makes me happy.

I've also been exploring physical sexuality lately, trying out new things and new situations, entering the kinkier side of sex as opposed to the passionate realm I usually live in. It's something entirely new, standing quite still, head weighed down with apparati [basic things, you know, collar, blindfold, gag], holding my hair back with my hands on my head because that's where I've been told to keep them. Placed in strange-to-me positions, taken to various stages of undress, photos being taken, amazing feats of rope-work, face-fucking and vibrators and asphyxiation, and this is only in the introductory night. Things are really only going to get more intense. I've heard some iteresting things he's cooked up in the past and I am nothing but intrigued.
It's not really as coarse and unemotional as it seems; There was substantial untying and snuggles and kisses time afterward, and then pizza and smoking and cartoons and berries and candy. We even had grownup drinks, which I'm not used to at all. And I don't mean that like I can't take drinking bourbon with ice, only that I don't often find myself in situations where I'm served straight liquor in anything but a shot glass.
Seriously great night. It may sound weird to some people, but it's really nice to be treated like a possession, to know that someone actually wants you enough to own you. I like being told what to do, and I like having someone take the initiative to do whatever he wants to me without asking what's okay, and still being treated like some cute cuddly creature afterward.

It's been a really interesting time for me. I feel much more mentally open, much more okay with being who and what I am. Sharing your innermost lifelong thoughts is a pretty intense thing, and even the things we haven't talked about yet I'm sure we'll get to eventually. It's nice. I feel totally different than I when I came down here. I look out the window and I see the same old river, the same old bushes, the same old falcon, but I see them in a different way now. They are the same and yet they look totally different.
I've learned that being a physically open creature is very different than being a sexually open creature. Sexual openness isn't about testing things and being willing to "try anything once" or any other such catchphrase, but about being comfortable in who and what you are sexually, what turns you on, what you like to do to yourself and to others, and how you live sexually.
That wrinkled-nose "that's gross" standpoint of so many people was something that nagged at the back of my mind as though it was begging me to pay attention to it, angry at my refusal, and now it's gone entirely. It's learned that it just doesn't belong here. I like it better like that.
Things are going well here. I'm having a great time in the South. Here's some porn for you guys.

apathy

Softcore for today.
Aaaaanywho, I am pissed. I am pissed at Graham, for being all sorts of not-around yesterday, and for there being no myspacings or emails or anything about him not being there. Naturally I immediately there's some girl I should kill.
And yet, at the same time, Cory is trying to set me up with his friend [whose name I forget, but he's tall and dark haired and was also really nice to me] and I might just go along with that.
Ok, actually, I told Cory we should hang out sometime, but I mostly meant just because I need to make friends here and all. But still, you know, I really could use a good fuck. Or several. In a row. And then again in the morning.
But, you know, Graham is being really lame in general about this whole thing. He likes to talk about "us" and the future and everything, and never about making actual plans and he still is "nervous" about the phone, and you know, it doesn't even make me upset anymore, it just fucking hurts.
Argh, moving on.
I aaaaaam, bored.
I'm very bored.
Nothing sounds like fun.
I'm so apathetic.
I have an interview in two hours, and I don't even care if I get this job, even though it would be good for me. I just can't care about anything.

omg, who doesn't love someone who has clearly adored david bowie his whole life?
omgomgomg bowie, omg BOWIE.
i do love anything that makes me think of him.

High-Five for the Morning!

My Aunt showed up to get me from work early today, so I didn't get to burn one with Corey out behind the dumpsters. Which fucking blows. It's okay, I guess, cause I do have some beer, but after smoking yesterday for the first time in three weeks and knowing that [pending he works that day] THURSDAY is the earliest I'll get to burn another... Argh. I told my Aunt it's best not to pick me up until about 7.40 am-wise.
But the day marches on. I do have beer, Magic Hat, which we did not have in Michigan. It's... Alright. I wouldn't bother buying it again. I also have Cheetos. And a hunk of Munster. And I can always go out and have a cigarette on the dock, because Aunt Alice won't be up for a few hours... She goes back to sleep after she gets me, after all.
I need a car. I need also to bring some cash in for Corey so he can bring me some stuffffff... I need to do some knitting. I started Quant, but I'm on my first section of picking up stitches and have to take it out because I'm using the same yarn for Graham's tie and I need to knit many, many more inches. Fourteen of them or so. And then re-block the whole thing. I can do that today... I guess. I also need to start Doug's socks and also my socks, and work a bit on Serina's Chevron Mitts.
I just picked up Naughty Needles, and all I can say is "omg, who's gonna knit a mermaid tail?"
Yeah, that's me. Though I think first to come will be the Fembot nightie, and also the sock garters and the garter-slip. Uh, and the whole rest of the book. Amy totally wants me to knit her a whip, and so I am all kinds of going to do that. I was thinking about just knitting a practice one up in some Red Heart, because I don't have my stash here and I found some old Red Heart in black and red in a box and my Aunt doesn't want it. I should go check needle size and decide if I'm gonna make it.
All I have here with me are two pair straights, sizes 1 and 2, and four pair dpns, sizes 0, 1, 3, and 7. Seriously, what kind of sense does that make? Why didn't I just bring my needle roll? What was I doing that I was so scatterbrained?
...Oh yeah. I probably can't count all those substances that crossed my lips/lungs this past Spring/Summer. What a fucking crazy time. Ok, I got to twelve and decided I'd better quit while I was ahead. Oh maaaan. Fun times, though.
Also, every time I listen to Mushroomhead I feel a bit like I'm tripping. Same with Primus. Let's have a special moment of reverie, eh? Nothing like driving down the street with the windows down, singing along and growling "If it was up to me I'd free Charles Manson" at random passersby... heheheheeeeheheeee.
But.
I think the time has come for me to go scour pattern info, maybe veg on Ravelry for awhile, get another beer, go have a smoke on the dock, consider walking the two hours to work tomorrow night just to see Amy, 'cause I love 'er, realize that I'm picking up the slang and accent already now that I have a job here, grab yet another beer, and then knit and knit until I decide to do something the fuck else. I should hang out with Crystal sometime, now that she's not working at Tristate anymore. I like that place, though, me and my penchant for sleazy jobs.
I love them. I love the people you meet and the things you can get away with. Ah. Work.
And let's make porn a standard item in my posts, cause Allier appreciated it, and I know I sure do...